So this is not a blog meant to entertain or even expose the world to my hidden talent as a great writer, quite the opposite. I was told I to journal...but I don't really believe in having my thoughts written down somewhere someone too close to me can find them. So I blog, with no name and no face. Those of you reading this might no my inner most thoughts or whatever but you don't know my face so I win! I'm actually 100% ok with the thought that no one in the world will ever read this, to me these are just words that I need to get off my chest "...get it all down on paper, its no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to." haha thats a little Anna Nalik for you.
Ok so a bit about me I'm in college and my life is HARD! I say it all the time just to remind myself that I'm not just going crazy in vain. Born in the US raised in Haiti, survivor of the January 12th earthquake, and even though I'm not in Haiti anymore that mess of an earthquake has shaken my life up like I didn't know anything in the world was allowed to!
I'm going by DryEyes because for the past month or so I haven't been able to produce a single tear for the life of me. I googled it and found an article that said people can get to 'such a severe level of depression that their emotions are flattened and they lose the trigger that starts the crying circuit.' Thats where I'm at unfortunately.
I hate to cry I look a mess, I feel silly and it makes my throat hurt, but right now I would pay big bucks to just blubber like an idiot for a good twenty thirty minutes. O well! My dad doesn't cry I used to want a husband just like him, strong man no tears, but now that I'm here I wouldn't really wish it on anyone. Tears are theraputic, and no matter what you do shout, scream, sing, run, or even blog; nothing beats a good cry.
The crazy thing is that when I was little I had a policy of 'saving my tears' I thought you could run out of them if you just walked around crying for any stupid reason, so I would pick and choose which moments were tear worthy and I would only cry a sensible amount for each event. Not really sure how i measured what warranted how many tears but it seemed to work for the past 20 years. Anyways now that I finally have a legitimate reason to use up all those tears I'd been saving up my whole life they are no where to be found. I remember the day I came back from Haiti, on Jan. 17th, I cried all day long and the next few days I was just water works I gave Splash Mountain a run for its money! I guess that little girl inside of me got fed up and I passed my limit of tears for this particular disaster :/. Well twenty year old me begs to differ. Give me my tears back danmit!
I grew up in Haiti which automatically means I'm a soldier. You don't get to grow up in that beautiful little country of mine and be oblivious of the FACT that life is HARD! I've had my share of shitty years 2004 takes the cake; or at least i thought it did, 2010 is definitely giving it a run for its money. I don't know if its cause I'm more aware of everything going on around me or the world is just seriously ten times harder to deal with then ever before. But to quote Dory I've just got to 'keep swimming!' Towards what? I have absolutely No idea. I graduate next year and get the lovely priviledge of facing all those college loans I took out, still smacking myself for not going to a state school. Everyone says grad school is the place to be but hmmm idk if what I really need is two more years of papers and loans and boring lectures.
Everyone says college is supposed to be the best time of your life, well if that is true....wow. THAT SUCKS! i mean dont get me wrong i like my school and i've made some great friends, but if this is it I'm gonna have to smack someone really hard! I suppose thats my fault for not taking full advantage of the funships at my disposal. I decided to be an RA and a straight edge and all involved with student groups, and not get a fake ID and get drunk every Thursday through Sunday like the rest of my peers. But I'm just praying to Jesus that all of my hard work will pay off later on down the road....if there is a later on down the road left for me. I'm convinced its the end of the world and do you know how much of a depressing thought that is for someone like me. Maybe I'm shallow but, I am SOO not ok with the world ending in the next week to two years. I am not done I haven't even started! I am I think the only pretty cute, smart, funny, trilingual, charming, sexy (yes I said sexy, if I don't love myself for me who will) 20 year old girl who has not had any version of a love life EVER! I mean I know I haven't been proactive about it but if I die or the world ends without someone ever deciding to go out of their way to fall in love with me outloud (cuz idk if neones done it secretly lol) I will be some type of UPSET! I've got plans for my future I've named my three children already, and I'm still trying to figure out what country i'm going to raise them in. And that's not even supposed to happen till I'm like 30 because my 20's are Mine! I'm going to travel the world be a journalistic photographer or something exotic. The world is not allowed to end without giving me my sixty years of happy! It stole my happy highschool years from me with all that political bullshit and insecurity going on in Haiti. I had to move to the states to a school with a TON of assholes! Then I went to college and the world kept fucking with me, now there was an earthquake, somebody stole my tears...and the world wants to end before making it up to me!? that's just crazy talk! I'm not standing for it! WORLD owes me sixty years of uniterrupted just sexy happiness, I just wanna walk around smiling just cheesing from ear to ear for sixty years I deserve it danmit!
Ok so I just went on for about thirty years not even sure any of that made any sense but I think I feel better which is what the point of journaling is right?
SO DryEyes signing off for now!
Ok so a bit about me I'm in college and my life is HARD! I say it all the time just to remind myself that I'm not just going crazy in vain. Born in the US raised in Haiti, survivor of the January 12th earthquake, and even though I'm not in Haiti anymore that mess of an earthquake has shaken my life up like I didn't know anything in the world was allowed to!
I'm going by DryEyes because for the past month or so I haven't been able to produce a single tear for the life of me. I googled it and found an article that said people can get to 'such a severe level of depression that their emotions are flattened and they lose the trigger that starts the crying circuit.' Thats where I'm at unfortunately.
I hate to cry I look a mess, I feel silly and it makes my throat hurt, but right now I would pay big bucks to just blubber like an idiot for a good twenty thirty minutes. O well! My dad doesn't cry I used to want a husband just like him, strong man no tears, but now that I'm here I wouldn't really wish it on anyone. Tears are theraputic, and no matter what you do shout, scream, sing, run, or even blog; nothing beats a good cry.
The crazy thing is that when I was little I had a policy of 'saving my tears' I thought you could run out of them if you just walked around crying for any stupid reason, so I would pick and choose which moments were tear worthy and I would only cry a sensible amount for each event. Not really sure how i measured what warranted how many tears but it seemed to work for the past 20 years. Anyways now that I finally have a legitimate reason to use up all those tears I'd been saving up my whole life they are no where to be found. I remember the day I came back from Haiti, on Jan. 17th, I cried all day long and the next few days I was just water works I gave Splash Mountain a run for its money! I guess that little girl inside of me got fed up and I passed my limit of tears for this particular disaster :/. Well twenty year old me begs to differ. Give me my tears back danmit!
I grew up in Haiti which automatically means I'm a soldier. You don't get to grow up in that beautiful little country of mine and be oblivious of the FACT that life is HARD! I've had my share of shitty years 2004 takes the cake; or at least i thought it did, 2010 is definitely giving it a run for its money. I don't know if its cause I'm more aware of everything going on around me or the world is just seriously ten times harder to deal with then ever before. But to quote Dory I've just got to 'keep swimming!' Towards what? I have absolutely No idea. I graduate next year and get the lovely priviledge of facing all those college loans I took out, still smacking myself for not going to a state school. Everyone says grad school is the place to be but hmmm idk if what I really need is two more years of papers and loans and boring lectures.
Everyone says college is supposed to be the best time of your life, well if that is true....wow. THAT SUCKS! i mean dont get me wrong i like my school and i've made some great friends, but if this is it I'm gonna have to smack someone really hard! I suppose thats my fault for not taking full advantage of the funships at my disposal. I decided to be an RA and a straight edge and all involved with student groups, and not get a fake ID and get drunk every Thursday through Sunday like the rest of my peers. But I'm just praying to Jesus that all of my hard work will pay off later on down the road....if there is a later on down the road left for me. I'm convinced its the end of the world and do you know how much of a depressing thought that is for someone like me. Maybe I'm shallow but, I am SOO not ok with the world ending in the next week to two years. I am not done I haven't even started! I am I think the only pretty cute, smart, funny, trilingual, charming, sexy (yes I said sexy, if I don't love myself for me who will) 20 year old girl who has not had any version of a love life EVER! I mean I know I haven't been proactive about it but if I die or the world ends without someone ever deciding to go out of their way to fall in love with me outloud (cuz idk if neones done it secretly lol) I will be some type of UPSET! I've got plans for my future I've named my three children already, and I'm still trying to figure out what country i'm going to raise them in. And that's not even supposed to happen till I'm like 30 because my 20's are Mine! I'm going to travel the world be a journalistic photographer or something exotic. The world is not allowed to end without giving me my sixty years of happy! It stole my happy highschool years from me with all that political bullshit and insecurity going on in Haiti. I had to move to the states to a school with a TON of assholes! Then I went to college and the world kept fucking with me, now there was an earthquake, somebody stole my tears...and the world wants to end before making it up to me!? that's just crazy talk! I'm not standing for it! WORLD owes me sixty years of uniterrupted just sexy happiness, I just wanna walk around smiling just cheesing from ear to ear for sixty years I deserve it danmit!
Ok so I just went on for about thirty years not even sure any of that made any sense but I think I feel better which is what the point of journaling is right?
SO DryEyes signing off for now!
stay strong. turn on some really loud music and dance like a fool.
ReplyDeleteabsolutely love it!
ReplyDelete