Baby Sis

I went on a friend's secret blog and it got me thinking about my own little corner of the dark web that I hadn't visited in over a year. So I thought I'd come say "hey watsup" share the things that have been running around my mind.

I've been thinking a lot about my self image. How I see myself, how i present myself to the world and then what I allow myself to do and what I accept from other people as a result of this self-image.

I am the youngest of my mother's 5 children. It's probably one of the most defining qualities of my life. I am a little sister first always. I carry that into every interaction that I have. I expect people to love me, like a little sister, to protect me. I expect myself to protect the people around me, like I've always done for my siblings, to listen, to learn, to teach, to observe to care like a little sister does best. If you don't have a little sister or an older one for that matter let me tell you it's an amazing dynamic. But I've realized, as I'm finally entering the last few years of my 20's that I have to stop expecting the people of the world to treat me like their little sister. And I have to stop treating myself like one as well.

Being the youngest you are relieved of a lot of responsibility. It's great it's like in life you can go forth and get into all types of shenanigans as long as you make sure that you are good to the people you love. In return your older siblings will have your back, they let you know when you're fuckin' up and they make sure you don't get into anything dangerous. As a little sister you expect that of them you can rely on it.

I tend to bring that little sister dynamic into my romantic life. The people I involve myself with are generally people that I trust to protect me. Not only against the big bad world but also against themselves. I will allow you in but I expect you to self monitor, and in return I will do my best to be good to you. I rarely look both ways before crossing because, i'm with you and I trust you with the responsibility of letting me know if I'm in danger. It's a really awful way to live because in matters of the heart, or let me keep it real and say matters of the penis, no one here is your kin. While they happily sit around and wait for you to trust them with your parts, people rarely feel that they owe you anything in return, not even a warning that a bus is approaching. Or that they are going to be leaving, or not interested or with someone else or anything. And did they? Were you wrong to expect a minimum of decency and communication from the people you've allowed into your life? Or is it up to you to be a vigilante and doubt everyone at all times. Guard your heart right?

I'm a trusting person, i grew up in the safest bubble. With four older siblings and even more older cousins, the people around me always had my back. The familiarity that comes with being intimate with a person would lead you to assume you could expect the same, but i'm learning quickly that it should not. Your family is your family, no one else. I guess until you marry someone, but at what point does that person go from just a penis to a partner?

In my mind after you stick around the month and a half it takes to get me naked without giving me reason to ex you, you've entered a lair. That lair comes with responsibilities. Nothing crazy, but a basic amount of human decency. And if that's too much you had a month and a half to notice that an walk away. When you choose to stick around and remain close for a year and a half, excuse me for expecting a bit of decency out of you.

About a Break up.

If you've read any of the previous posts on this blog, than you know that I tend to take my life a bit too seriously. As if the fact that I am human and I feel and I like and I have disappointments is this shameful secret thing that only I deal with. So I tend to be very private and self deprecating when I talk about myself, like my fears dreams or what i'm going through, if I talk about it at all. I'm trying to #LegalizeIt and stop being so ashamed about feeling things so tonight i'm sharing these posts that I wrote about my break up. Because when you hide things about yourself you give them more power than necessary. And also because, I personally really enjoyed writing these. So Why the fuck shouldn't someone get to read them. This was something I wrote as a response to a prompt sent to me by the "BeautifulCommunity' page on IG. They wrote the word beautiful on a photo of me that they chose from my page and sent 4 open ended questions about beauty for me to share my thoughts on. I only sent them the last paragraph because it felt too intimate to share the whole thing on the gram but I'm sharing it all here. I wrote it about two weeks ago. About a break up.

2. Tell me about an experience that was transformed from difficult to beautiful with the passage of time.

It's taken me 2 and a half months to come around and respond to one of these questions for the beautiful community. When I received this email I was on the phone with a guy I had been seeing for about 8 months, and we were actually breaking up. It was a 5 hr phone call but the break up only took about 30 mins. Then we stayed on the line for another 4 1/2 hours, because we both knew once we hung up everything would be different.

Of the 4 options this was always the question that stuck out to me the most over the last 3 months. I felt like the answer would be my breakup but I was having a hard time finding the beauty in it. I knew the beauty existed and I waited patiently for it to reveal it's pretty face to me, through months of confusion, and tornness. Trying to maintain a friendship that was never platonic to begin with. Learning how to not make my feelings someone else's responsibility. Learning not to lean on a person who was once a best friend. Finding my balance alone when I had found so much comfort in a relationship that I knew was fleeting. The beauty was unclear, but I knew that the break up was the right step for me so I pushed through the pain, tears and discomfort. Originally I thought the beauty would be in the redefining of an unhealthy relationship. Going from lovers to supportive best friends. It soon became clear to me that while maybe at some point we may become great friends that goal was not yet realistic. To remain close to something you could never have as they move on in front of your eyes was not a healthy option for me. 

Two months later, I've come to see the beauty in the end of this  thing. I've made my way back to myself, a relationship that I neglected severely while entertaining my previous bae. I made my way back to my dreams, back to my journal back to unfleshed out creative projects and goals that I had  set for myself. Back to my friends and my small social life, back to creating a world for myself, that revolved entirely around  my personal joy, rather than trying to figure out how to have and keep something that was never available to me in the first place.

The photo you chose was taken on a strange and confusing day for me, where I turned a blind eye to a lot of red flags and chased the possibility of something beautiful. I can't say that I regret going for it or that I wouldn't ever do it again. But the time away from myself has taught me to appreciate and value my own time and company. It taught me things about valuing myself and prioritizing my personal goals and happiness, that I didn't realize were important. Both as a single woman, and as someone who hopes to one day be in a successful committed relationship. So here's to me, welcome home.

Things We Lost in the Fire (Sometimes I cry)

Sometimes I cry.

I cry all of the time actually. It’s very strange. Generally in my life I would hit a cap when it was no longer acceptable to cry over one situation. For this one, my first break up, my approach was to not repress any of my feelings. Cry, feel, emote to the fullest so that you can get over this as soon as possible. But now it’s become my favorite pass time. It’s comforting; it actually kind of feels good physically to have a good cry, you breathe better when it’s done.

I live inside of my head. Reminiscing on the most random moments we shared. Replaying them over and over in my head, recreating them, coming up with alternate endings, anything to relive the moments that were. Terrified that I will never feel that way again. As if you were the only person in the entire world that knew how to hug or kiss, or smile. As if, if we never end up together than I am forever doomed to loneliness. I miss you and hands in the same sentence. I miss your smile and mine at the same time as if my joy were something you took with you when you left and the only way to recoop it would be to get you back.

I am crazy. I am delusional and miss guided and I am fully aware of that in my rational mind. But in my emotional stupid mind letting go of you feels like letting go of the possibility of love in it’s entirety. It’s a terrifying alternative.

Once upon a time I lived in a world sans you. It was fine, but I was lonely, even when I didn’t know it I missed you. But you were just a simile, like chocolate for water, a lot like love, but just a boy. A sweet sweet beautiful boy that I adored, but not the keeper of my happiness. That is still in my pocket, locked inside my castle behind dungeon dragons and secret passage gates, that even I don’t know the passwords to.

Eventually I’ll climb out of daydreams and stop coming to your door asking for a key you never owned to begin with. I’ll journey into the towers of my castle and find that key for myself and share it only with the right person.Sorry for following you through the town square asking you to share things that were never yours to begin with.

Black&Sexy BABY!

Ok so technically this will be the third thing that I've posted tonight so sorry for polluting your dashes to the 6 people who actually follow me. But I had no choice I am visiting this blog of mine for the first time in about a year and I had all of these unpublished posts about how lame my life is and I decided that that information is so irrelevant now and such a reflection of how far i've come that I don't mind if you read it! Reading them also made me want to write another post. This is my letter to my college self, you'd be soo proud!

Soo, yes I live in California just like I wanted to. I did CY a ten month program where you slave away for children making posters and spreading joy in boots and in one of the most unnecessarily straining draining and frustrating programs possible, while tutoring and forming relationships with little people. It was terrible and wonderful, and i'm ecstatic its over and completely devastated in the least tragic way possible. Yes,  an orchestra of contradicting feelings. Did I hate it? Did I love it? I don't think anyone knows how they feel about a year like that. I do know that i'm not indifferent there are certainly tons of feelings involved. BUT this is NOT what this post is about or else I would have titled it "WTF just happened?" This post is about Black&Sexy baby!

Yours truly (that's me) works at Blackandsexy TV and even though everyone removed from the black web series world hands you a massive side eye when you tell them where you work...we ADORE it! For like 75 million different reasons that I don't care to go into in much detail. But let me tell you about how sometimes when I'm "at work" I look at myself and say "hey bitch! how tf did you land this bomb ass gig? and why are they keeping you around?" And while I don't know the answer to either of those questions I'm going to ride this ride until the wheels fall off and since this company is very young these wheels ain't coming off anytime soon. Out of fear that someone worth mentioning may one day stumble across this I won't say any names or be too much of B&S groupie, but I thought it was important to note that for the first time in your life you are considering a career in just one field. You are staying in LA for more than just one year, which was what the life plan was, hop all around the globe with no real purpose until someone catches you and gets you pregnant. And as sad as I am to let the globe trotter part of my life plan go, i'm sure I'll find a way to reintroduce it in the future. For now web series production, behind the scenes; that's what we are moving towards. Maybe someday you'll be an executive somebody worth mentioning when Blackandsexy blows up. who knows? For now your hanging with the big dogs of youtube web series and I love it and I love them as people first and for what they do which is merely a reflection of the types of people they are and I am beyond excited to be an active participant in the movement. Broke or rich, they got themselves a ride or die chick in me :)

dnt publish this

Elloooo interneters. It's me again with my not so secret journal/blog. I now realize that more than one person that knows me well follows this blog so no more deep dark secrets for you. I will however keep posting cuz well i really enjoy talking at the world so yea. I don't really have anything to say today or a topic, u kno in mind so this just another rant again. Weeeeeeeellllllll. I just graduated from college!!!! (pauses for applause/cheers) yes i graduated in spite of World's many attempts at keeping me in my bed balled in a corner to drepressed to move i infact passed all of my classes completed my senior thesis and graduated. woot woot. NOW wat? I was just reading through my blog stumbled upon a post i wrote last year about moving to Cali, well that's not happening like at all. i also had a phase when i really wanted to move to Florida for  while cuz they too have sunshine, but um yea I'm not proactive enough for that so just lookin' for work locally which is exactly what i didn't want but reality sets in and you don't get be so picky so right now when people ask what i'm looking for in a job, all I require is that it pays in U.S. currency (but that's negotiable). For now I'm that senior that graduated but is still suckin on that reslife teet as a summer RA getting that free housing till they kick me out! I do nothing all day it's a real life issue, so I decided to start hittin the gym even though im tiny I am not in shape so I'm tryin to bulk up you know get some muscle in the right places, should look nice. i went to this palm reader and she told me i would be falling in love soon with a man who's name starts with a J so we're on the look out for J men. If a man waltzes up to me on the street and he's got it goin on and his name is Bob I will simply say " i'm sorry is that JaBob? if not u should keep it moving' cuz obviously palm readers know wat they're saying when they speak truth. So funny thing is the only people with J names that i've interacted with recently is the gay guy on my staff and the guy that makes the bread at cosi that always asks me for a piece of my sandwich :/ too bad the gay boy  already has a boyfriend! really sucky summer over here yall, hopefully it gets fun soon, and then i can come back and write a post worth publishing.

6/28/11

B*tches in Transition

Um hi, I haven't written or I should say I haven't actually published anything on this blog in like over a year so I figure there so much/ so little happening in my life right now that I should get some of it off my chest, especially since I'm no longer in therapy :(.

So about the title: I graduated from college a year ago....i know i know! time mother freakup time flies! In that entire year I don't feel like I have landed in the groove of what it is I'm supposed to be doing next after college. I feel like this entire year in constant state of transitioning. Not just me but most of my friends that graduated with me. I feel like if there were ever a movie/tv show made of my life this part would have to be called 'bitches in transition'. I'm living in my sister's guest room, working at my second job since graduating (quit the first one). Started paying off my loans, but other than that I had little to nothing going on in my life which is soooo boring.

While I was unemployed after my first job I decided to apply for CityYear LA kind of cause I was bored and looking for something to do with my time. Well anyways, I'm awesome so of course I got into the program, so i'm moving to Cali next year.....WAAAAAAAAAAATTTT? Yes I had an entire post about wanting to move to Cali after college and it did take me a year longer than I originally planned but I mean...its happening

4/22/12

Mad about my Mane (ccTB

Hello World!
SOOOOO since I'm completely obsessed with my natural hair I think it only makes sense that I make a blog about my hair...First disclaimer is that i stole the title of this post from my friend who has a tumbler account called 'mad about my mane' and i thought that was adorable! So shout out to you miss! Anyways I thought I'd share with you my hairstory (haha get it? like history...but not!) ANYways lol.
Well I've always had a ton of hair my mom said i was just a hairy baby. Well lucky me as I grew up it stopped growing all over my body but continued on my head! Which is great cuz i save money on razors! lol. Neways I got a perm when i was in the fifth grade because my mom was through taking care of my mane. She trusted me with the maintenance of it washing and styling for the most part. I unfortunately was one of those unruely little girls that didn't give two shits about how my hair looked. Soo I took horrible care of my hair. It started to break :(...not only did my hair begin to break I was petrified of the process of getting a touchup. I have a sensitive scalp and a crap ton of hair so getting a perm was always a big event. Well when I was in the seventh grade my maid was washing my hair and she didn't have a perm, I asked her how she took care of her hair and if she thought I could do it, and that night I decided I wasn't going to put perm anymore. I waltzed into my parent's room and anounced to them that I would no longer be perming my hair. Don't ask me wat my plan was... all i knew is that perm shit was for the birds and I ain't no vulture (lmbo get it?! deuces!)
So for the next like 5 years I had in braids about 85% of the time. We snipped away at my hair little by little until the permed ends were gone and I've been natural ever since.
Now the issue was that I didn't know how to care for natural hair. I was really a pretty hot mess everytime I tried to rock my hair on its own, so when I got to college I tried the whole texturizer thing. I only put it in twice and after a few washes my hair was back to its lovely nappy state (yes I say nappy...)
So junior year of college seven years since that night when I announced my parents that I was going natural I finally decide to get to know my hair. I spent the first entire year without putting in braids, and I'm currently on about a year three months of what i call project 'you and me'. Project you and me was my year of making peace with my hair. And I must say that it's turned out to be a whole lot more fun than i EVER expected. I mean I've always loved my hair but now im obsessed.

I have two friends who decided to do the big chop last year and began to ask me wat i do to my hair and when i realized I didn't have a real routine nor did i really know wat was good or bad for natural hair I decided to start researching.  I follow people on youtube, mainly a girl named Beautiful Brown Baby doll (her page: http://www.youtube.com/user/BeautifulBrwnBabyDol) i found out what they use in their hair and new hair styles. I'd say that this year I've truelly become a Natural Diva! lol I spend more money on hair products than clothes or food and I spend at least 4 hours a week just messing around with this fabulous mass of curls atop my head. I know the first 6 years of my natural lifetime I didn't rock it much but I'm makin up for lost time big time!
I remember a couple of people told me I should just cut my hair off or perm it since I obviously didn't know what i was doing with all that hair but I could not be more grateful for my headstrong determined self because at 21 I'm reaping the seeds that I sowed so long ago!

I'd put up a pic but...instead this is a pic of my celeb natural crush Shingai Shoniwa of the Noisettes (that's her at the top too) and just in case you don't know her music, its also quite fab! She is a fierce fierce bitch with extra nappy hair and she doesn't hide it nor try to change it to be what it isn't I love her for embracing and rocking every inch of her main in such a classy manor I aspire in her direction....yes it is that deep. I see so many girls trying to fit this perception of beauty that the world has imposed on us, and we are all so afraid to embrace our hair for what it truly is. I can't help but respect someone like Shingai who rocks hers for all its worth. If you're reading this blog and you've got three inches worth of permed hair and you're wondering why your hair won't ever grow maybe its because it's tired of you trying to turn it into to what it was never meant to be. A black woman with long hair is only so rare because we suck at caring for our own...learn your hair! talk to it find out, what it likes and doesn't. Find out what your real curl pattern is! It's so sad that me and my friends in our 20's are just learning how tight or lose our curl patterns are for the first time when we've lived with this on the top of our heads for our whole lives; just neglecting it or trying to make it more like what the rest of the world has taught us is beautiful.
Ok I'll stop ranting. And just a disclaimer I don't have an issue with perm, i think it works for some people just not everyone, and maybe we should stop viewing it as the only option for beauty. My favorite thing about my hair is its amazing versatility I can look like almost any version of a black girl and always return to base. This year Ive learned to live and thrive in my base. I think its a process of loving on yourself that every woman should go through because its truly healthy and encouraging.