Things We Lost in the Fire (Sometimes I cry)

Sometimes I cry.

I cry all of the time actually. It’s very strange. Generally in my life I would hit a cap when it was no longer acceptable to cry over one situation. For this one, my first break up, my approach was to not repress any of my feelings. Cry, feel, emote to the fullest so that you can get over this as soon as possible. But now it’s become my favorite pass time. It’s comforting; it actually kind of feels good physically to have a good cry, you breathe better when it’s done.

I live inside of my head. Reminiscing on the most random moments we shared. Replaying them over and over in my head, recreating them, coming up with alternate endings, anything to relive the moments that were. Terrified that I will never feel that way again. As if you were the only person in the entire world that knew how to hug or kiss, or smile. As if, if we never end up together than I am forever doomed to loneliness. I miss you and hands in the same sentence. I miss your smile and mine at the same time as if my joy were something you took with you when you left and the only way to recoop it would be to get you back.

I am crazy. I am delusional and miss guided and I am fully aware of that in my rational mind. But in my emotional stupid mind letting go of you feels like letting go of the possibility of love in it’s entirety. It’s a terrifying alternative.

Once upon a time I lived in a world sans you. It was fine, but I was lonely, even when I didn’t know it I missed you. But you were just a simile, like chocolate for water, a lot like love, but just a boy. A sweet sweet beautiful boy that I adored, but not the keeper of my happiness. That is still in my pocket, locked inside my castle behind dungeon dragons and secret passage gates, that even I don’t know the passwords to.

Eventually I’ll climb out of daydreams and stop coming to your door asking for a key you never owned to begin with. I’ll journey into the towers of my castle and find that key for myself and share it only with the right person.Sorry for following you through the town square asking you to share things that were never yours to begin with.