About a Break up.

If you've read any of the previous posts on this blog, than you know that I tend to take my life a bit too seriously. As if the fact that I am human and I feel and I like and I have disappointments is this shameful secret thing that only I deal with. So I tend to be very private and self deprecating when I talk about myself, like my fears dreams or what i'm going through, if I talk about it at all. I'm trying to #LegalizeIt and stop being so ashamed about feeling things so tonight i'm sharing these posts that I wrote about my break up. Because when you hide things about yourself you give them more power than necessary. And also because, I personally really enjoyed writing these. So Why the fuck shouldn't someone get to read them. This was something I wrote as a response to a prompt sent to me by the "BeautifulCommunity' page on IG. They wrote the word beautiful on a photo of me that they chose from my page and sent 4 open ended questions about beauty for me to share my thoughts on. I only sent them the last paragraph because it felt too intimate to share the whole thing on the gram but I'm sharing it all here. I wrote it about two weeks ago. About a break up.

2. Tell me about an experience that was transformed from difficult to beautiful with the passage of time.

It's taken me 2 and a half months to come around and respond to one of these questions for the beautiful community. When I received this email I was on the phone with a guy I had been seeing for about 8 months, and we were actually breaking up. It was a 5 hr phone call but the break up only took about 30 mins. Then we stayed on the line for another 4 1/2 hours, because we both knew once we hung up everything would be different.

Of the 4 options this was always the question that stuck out to me the most over the last 3 months. I felt like the answer would be my breakup but I was having a hard time finding the beauty in it. I knew the beauty existed and I waited patiently for it to reveal it's pretty face to me, through months of confusion, and tornness. Trying to maintain a friendship that was never platonic to begin with. Learning how to not make my feelings someone else's responsibility. Learning not to lean on a person who was once a best friend. Finding my balance alone when I had found so much comfort in a relationship that I knew was fleeting. The beauty was unclear, but I knew that the break up was the right step for me so I pushed through the pain, tears and discomfort. Originally I thought the beauty would be in the redefining of an unhealthy relationship. Going from lovers to supportive best friends. It soon became clear to me that while maybe at some point we may become great friends that goal was not yet realistic. To remain close to something you could never have as they move on in front of your eyes was not a healthy option for me. 

Two months later, I've come to see the beauty in the end of this  thing. I've made my way back to myself, a relationship that I neglected severely while entertaining my previous bae. I made my way back to my dreams, back to my journal back to unfleshed out creative projects and goals that I had  set for myself. Back to my friends and my small social life, back to creating a world for myself, that revolved entirely around  my personal joy, rather than trying to figure out how to have and keep something that was never available to me in the first place.

The photo you chose was taken on a strange and confusing day for me, where I turned a blind eye to a lot of red flags and chased the possibility of something beautiful. I can't say that I regret going for it or that I wouldn't ever do it again. But the time away from myself has taught me to appreciate and value my own time and company. It taught me things about valuing myself and prioritizing my personal goals and happiness, that I didn't realize were important. Both as a single woman, and as someone who hopes to one day be in a successful committed relationship. So here's to me, welcome home.

Things We Lost in the Fire (Sometimes I cry)

Sometimes I cry.

I cry all of the time actually. It’s very strange. Generally in my life I would hit a cap when it was no longer acceptable to cry over one situation. For this one, my first break up, my approach was to not repress any of my feelings. Cry, feel, emote to the fullest so that you can get over this as soon as possible. But now it’s become my favorite pass time. It’s comforting; it actually kind of feels good physically to have a good cry, you breathe better when it’s done.

I live inside of my head. Reminiscing on the most random moments we shared. Replaying them over and over in my head, recreating them, coming up with alternate endings, anything to relive the moments that were. Terrified that I will never feel that way again. As if you were the only person in the entire world that knew how to hug or kiss, or smile. As if, if we never end up together than I am forever doomed to loneliness. I miss you and hands in the same sentence. I miss your smile and mine at the same time as if my joy were something you took with you when you left and the only way to recoop it would be to get you back.

I am crazy. I am delusional and miss guided and I am fully aware of that in my rational mind. But in my emotional stupid mind letting go of you feels like letting go of the possibility of love in it’s entirety. It’s a terrifying alternative.

Once upon a time I lived in a world sans you. It was fine, but I was lonely, even when I didn’t know it I missed you. But you were just a simile, like chocolate for water, a lot like love, but just a boy. A sweet sweet beautiful boy that I adored, but not the keeper of my happiness. That is still in my pocket, locked inside my castle behind dungeon dragons and secret passage gates, that even I don’t know the passwords to.

Eventually I’ll climb out of daydreams and stop coming to your door asking for a key you never owned to begin with. I’ll journey into the towers of my castle and find that key for myself and share it only with the right person.Sorry for following you through the town square asking you to share things that were never yours to begin with.