Baby Sis

I went on a friend's secret blog and it got me thinking about my own little corner of the dark web that I hadn't visited in over a year. So I thought I'd come say "hey watsup" share the things that have been running around my mind.

I've been thinking a lot about my self image. How I see myself, how i present myself to the world and then what I allow myself to do and what I accept from other people as a result of this self-image.

I am the youngest of my mother's 5 children. It's probably one of the most defining qualities of my life. I am a little sister first always. I carry that into every interaction that I have. I expect people to love me, like a little sister, to protect me. I expect myself to protect the people around me, like I've always done for my siblings, to listen, to learn, to teach, to observe to care like a little sister does best. If you don't have a little sister or an older one for that matter let me tell you it's an amazing dynamic. But I've realized, as I'm finally entering the last few years of my 20's that I have to stop expecting the people of the world to treat me like their little sister. And I have to stop treating myself like one as well.

Being the youngest you are relieved of a lot of responsibility. It's great it's like in life you can go forth and get into all types of shenanigans as long as you make sure that you are good to the people you love. In return your older siblings will have your back, they let you know when you're fuckin' up and they make sure you don't get into anything dangerous. As a little sister you expect that of them you can rely on it.

I tend to bring that little sister dynamic into my romantic life. The people I involve myself with are generally people that I trust to protect me. Not only against the big bad world but also against themselves. I will allow you in but I expect you to self monitor, and in return I will do my best to be good to you. I rarely look both ways before crossing because, i'm with you and I trust you with the responsibility of letting me know if I'm in danger. It's a really awful way to live because in matters of the heart, or let me keep it real and say matters of the penis, no one here is your kin. While they happily sit around and wait for you to trust them with your parts, people rarely feel that they owe you anything in return, not even a warning that a bus is approaching. Or that they are going to be leaving, or not interested or with someone else or anything. And did they? Were you wrong to expect a minimum of decency and communication from the people you've allowed into your life? Or is it up to you to be a vigilante and doubt everyone at all times. Guard your heart right?

I'm a trusting person, i grew up in the safest bubble. With four older siblings and even more older cousins, the people around me always had my back. The familiarity that comes with being intimate with a person would lead you to assume you could expect the same, but i'm learning quickly that it should not. Your family is your family, no one else. I guess until you marry someone, but at what point does that person go from just a penis to a partner?

In my mind after you stick around the month and a half it takes to get me naked without giving me reason to ex you, you've entered a lair. That lair comes with responsibilities. Nothing crazy, but a basic amount of human decency. And if that's too much you had a month and a half to notice that an walk away. When you choose to stick around and remain close for a year and a half, excuse me for expecting a bit of decency out of you.